In this day of being “politically correct” we sometimes miss the opportunity to receive information that would help us grow, as a person, as a leader.  Yes, I am talking about the ability to accept, and even invite criticism.  (If it reads better for you, substitute “information” for “criticism.”)

Often, when it comes to criticism, many of us shut the door and hang up the “closed” sign. After all, who wants to hear the sentences that begin with, “You want to know what your problem is?” or “If only you would just change (fill in the blank) about yourself.”

One of the problems in accepting criticism (information about our performance or behavior) is that few people learn how to give criticism gracefully as they are growing up. Many may have been criticized harshly or told things for their “own good” that were hurtful rather than helpful. We learn to dread anything that seems judgmental or critical.

Yet, if we can learn to truly listen to criticism about ourselves, we open the door to possibility. Learning to accept and use criticism can be one of the most constructive and profound tools to change ourselves and improve our relationships with others. Not only can we learn more about who we are and how others see us, but we may also learn that it’s okay not to be perfect. And, as a bonus, we may learn that people will love us anyway, warts and all.

Criticism as Opportunity

Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is, calls criticism “a powerful tool for self-realization and growth.” She suggests that when we are criticized for being wrong, unkind, uncaring, etc., we should ask ourselves if the criticism is true. If we can accept the truth without stress or pain, we free ourselves from trying to hide who we are from others. We know our faults and we accept them and, therefore, criticism from others cannot hurt us. “When you are genuinely humble, there is no place for criticism to stick,” she writes.

Learning from Our Children

Parents are often among the most criticized group of people. Their parenting choices are targeted by relatives, other parents, strangers and parenting “experts.” And when their children are old enough to speak, they join in the chorus! But of all the voices, it may be our children who offer us the most valuable criticism because they see us at our most vulnerable and unguarded. Children—especially teens—will tell us exactly what they think, in unadorned, sometimes painfully honest, language. If we are able as parents to drop our authority roles and our belief that we know better because we are older/wiser/better, we can learn some awe-inspiring truths about ourselves. (And yes, it will hurt at times!) By doing this, we also model the art of accepting criticism—a valuable skill for our children as they grow up.

Questions to Ask Yourself

w  Does the criticism seem reasonable? Is there some truth to what was said? Have I received this information on this issue before? (Perhaps you should pay attention to the remark.)

w  If I don’t believe that the criticism is entirely accurate/true, is there any portion of the criticism that is true?

w  Does the person making the critical remark have reason to know (direct observation or close enough to have information that is relevant)?  (If he or she is a self-appointed critic-at-large, ignore the remark.)

w  Is the criticism based on a difference of opinion? If so, don’t overreact.

w  How might this information be helpful if I took action to improve?

w  Was the remark really directed at me, or was the critic venting general frustration, anger, or bitterness at something over which I have no control? (If criticism stems from general dissatisfaction, let it slide.)

w  Are there assumptions I am making about the person or the information that would be good to check out before responding?

Whether you choose to call it ‘information’ or ‘criticism’, once you decide that you are open to whatever truth there is, you are on the path to taking positive steps to in changing your behavior or outlook. Being able to hear and absorb criticism without anger or defensiveness helps make the path that much smoother, and your growth that much deeper.

To a better you…Jim