I listened intently as my soon to be 95-year-old father talked over the phone to his dying 89-year-old sister. I say “talked to” because Aunt Bardie could hear, but is unable to converse other than her facial expression. Dad was conversing through his niece, Peggy, who has been Bardie’s principal caretaker for the past 3 ½ years. Dad was expressing his love and appreciation for all Peggy and Alan had done, then he shared his love for Bardie.
Tears welled up in my eyes, as I realized that I was witnessing a beautiful, loving, and tender goodbye. As dad hung up the phone, he smiled and thanked me for dialing the number. Then he paused, and hung his head slightly and said that he wished he’d told her what a wonderful sister she had been. I told him, “she knows, but if you want to call back we can.” “No, that’s alright, was dad’s quiet response.”
For some reason, over the past few weeks, I have been acutely aware of the beginnings and endings in my life. Perhaps it was turning another year older, perhaps there were other triggers. Part of this time of reflection involved looking back to when I first became aware of the notion of ‘beginnings’ and ‘endings.’ My recollection is that I was around 14 or 15. It might have been the ending of the relationship with my first love. I can’t remember. I just remember it was one of those times of epiphany, like I had had an original thought.
I thought “endings suck!” And then slowly I began to understand that the entire cycle of life was FULL of beginnings and endings. We are born, the ultimate beginning, and then there are a myriad of ‘firsts’ in our lives as we grow and learn. We learn very quickly that our mothers and fathers ‘leave’ us, but then they return. We learn about separation (beginning) and being reunited (ending). We learn that conversations have a beginning and an ending. Sometimes they don’t start soon enough. Sometimes they don’t end soon enough.
We learn about the cycle of ‘seasons’ in our lives. That can be the weather, depending on where we live, or it can be about a time of growth, or a time of ‘shift’.
School years start, friendships start. They end. New people come into our lives. Some when they leave, leave giant holes. Some, when they leave, there is a sigh of relief. We have times of great exuberance, a ‘season’ of favor if you will. We have times of great trial. Things that test our very being.
If we allow, each ‘season’ contributes to who we choose to become. Do we treat each season with a heart of thanksgiving, with a knowing that “you are contributing to me?” I didn’t for much of my life. Whether the end of a romantic relationship, a bad grade in school, the death of my mother, divorce, or a myriad of other difficult times, I wanted to be over the pain as quickly as possible.
It wasn’t until much later that I was able to ‘sit’ with my times of trial, breathe and say, “teach me what you have to teach me, for as long as you need to.” That was a time of wisdom. A time that I was able to see the greater subtlety of life and frame the ‘beginning’ and ‘ending’ of the painful periods in a way that acknowledged that this was part of the natural cycle of life and I would endure and gain from this experience.
Beginnings and endings. Pleasure and pain. Learning and growing. Each cycle is full of choices. In what way do your choices reflect who you wish to become? Are they a ‘reaction’ to something, or are they in response? Are your choices with ‘intention’, or do they appear ‘random’ to yourself and others? Do your random choices have you in a place that seems, well, random? Is that okay?
The cycles of life are rich with information and opportunity. Some of those cycles (grieving for the death of my mother) last a life time. All of our beginnings and endings, our cycles, are embedded in who we have become. My wish for you is that you can see the rich fabric of your life and find it satisfying.
To a better you…