Early in my life I was enamored with people who could speak well. I was 9 when President Kennedy was elected. He had an energy, and an ability to articulate ideas that was almost mesmerizing. There have been many others who were great communicators, some great orators (I don’t always equate the two). I think of Ronald Reagan, Billy Graham, Bill Clinton, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jack Welch, President Obama, Abraham Lincoln, John Wooden. You get the idea.
The power of the spoken word is undeniable. My observation is that we spend a good deal of our ‘formative’ years trying to improve our ability to speak, to communicate better and to improve our ‘impact.’ We want to be ‘heard,’ and we believe that the best way to do that is in some declarative way.
I’m not sure when it happened, but I know there was a subtle shift in my desire to be ‘heard’ over time. The shift was a desire to listen to understand, versus make sure that I was heard. As this took place, I found myself making less statements and asking more questions.
So what do questions do that statements may not? In some situations, asking a clarifying question shows you are interested and this can be a wonderful way to affirm the other person and be respectful. In other situations, questions can increase accountability and self-responsibility. In my work, these are quite powerful, but must be used with caution, as they can create discomfort.
The questions I’m thinking about are the questions that require the listener to self-evaluate their thinking or their actions. Dr. Phil’s, “How’s that working for you?” is a great example. While these questions can create anxiety for the listener, they are not questions, by nature, that are intended to be ‘invasive.’ They are, intended to provide information – as much for the listener as for the other person. Good questions create an opportunity for the listener to pause and reflect (i.e., If you lived your next 10 years like you have the last 10, would that be okay? If not, what needs to change?).
Questions are inquiries; inquiries that can transform a person’s life. I find that questions educate – they ‘bring forth’ information for the listener to help them decide what they may want to change in how they are thinking, or in their behavior. Questions offer us a chance at greater self-accountability and self-responsibility. They are the gateway to change.
Questions are particularly good with children. So often we are ‘telling’ our children what is wrong with their behavior, or their thinking. Depending on the frequency of the behavior, this can lead to periods of strain or alienation in the relationship between parent and child. In my opinion, protection of the relationship is one of the keys to our ability, as parents, to having influence in our children’s lives.
“Alex, how did things go with your math test?” Alex replies, “Not very good. I got a D.” “I’m sorry to hear that. Is that grade okay with you?” “No.” “Do you know what you need to do differently?” “I think so.” “Is that something you want to do?” “I think so.” “What do you need that would help you be sure?” “I just need to be more motivated. I don’t really like math, but I hate my grade, and I don’t want to feel stupid.” “That sounds like pretty good motivation. Anything I can do to help?”
This conversation is relevant any time there is a gap between the current behavior and the desired result. Any time there is a gap between where we are and where we want to be, we have the opportunity to change. Questions help to inform the listener what the gap may be. In that gap is the motivation, or lack thereof, for their change.
If we help our children understand the ‘gaps’ in their lives, then it is their motivation at work and not our nagging. When we can help them engage their motivation then we aren’t working their issues more than they are. In addition, we have helped support them and shown respect for their choices. We have protected our relationship with them and helped them move toward a different action. This is the ‘stuff’ of self-responsibility and self-accountability that leads to more responsible and happier children.
The illustration about parenting is also applicable in working with our staff. We want to protect/build the relationship, while helping them ‘educate’ themselves about how certain behavior or thinking is hurting their ability to get what they want.
What questions do you need to ask yourself? Others? Is there a relationship that would benefit from more questions and less statements?
To a better you…