If you have been around me very much you know that one of my favorite quotes about leadership comes from my friend and colleague, Richard. He states, “Leadership is a by-product of relationship. Influence is the currency of relationship.”
What I find is that many people that I coach aren’t exactly sure what that means in a business setting. This seems particularly true for those leaders who are more task oriented, or in cultures where “getting things done” is the highest value. Are there ‘rules’ for how much relationship you need to be effective? Not as far as I know. I will share with you my current thinking and perhaps something will emerge for you that will be of value.
In general, employees are attracted by pay and benefits, retained by opportunities for development, and engaged by how they feel on the job. Repeatedly, in surveys about employee engagement, the number one driver for an employee is that management shows an interest in their well-being. Said another way, management cares about me beyond what I can do on the job.
Does my behavior reflect that I care about those that work for/with me? This is a good place to start in building a relationship.
Another guiding principle for me is one of service to those who work with me. If my behavior reflects a desire to serve, then they will understand my deep desire to help them get what they want. The tone of the servant also brings forth key attributes of a leader – empathy, respect, and humility that enables them to work with others, to collaborate in powerful ways to ensure that the needs of the greater good (clients, department organization) are met. In helping them get what they want I often get what I want.
There are several key opportunities during an employee’s tenure when you have a chance to build or strengthen your relationship with them.
- When the employee starts the job or their new responsibility. During this time everyone is figuring out ‘do they fit’ in the job, department, organization. This is a time to do all you can to create a welcoming and energizing environment.
This is also a time to ask questions and to listen to understand. “What would you like from this job? What does success look like for you? What experience(s) would you like to have?” Your ability to really listen and understand provides another opportunity to build trust. Whether they are new to the organization and the job, or this is a move to a different role, understanding their ‘wants’ will help guide you to help them have a better experience. The best examples I have seen in the on-boarding process is where it is a shared responsibility.
- During orientation. This is about clarifying what is expected, helping them understand the purpose of their job and their role, helping them understand any expectations for their behavior, internally and with customers, and how they will be evaluated and be paid.
- On an on-going basis. Are they receiving all the information, training, and resources they need? Perhaps the most important conversations you will have with your employee is about their performance. Timing is everything. Short, to the point conversations that tell them what is going well and where they need to make changes are the best. This is also a time for them to share with you their needs and what they may need from you/others. How difficult the information is to convey is irrelevant compared to the need to convey it in a timely and concise manner.
* When they make a special contribution. One of the key needs we all have is to feel valued. Expressing that value is a key component in strengthening your relationship. It shows you are paying attention to how they are contributing.
- Connecting their role, the importance of their work, to the overall mission and vision of the department, the organization. Clarity and direction are key roles of leaders. Repeating the connections of the work to the overall mission and longer term direction is a critical, and often underserved function in building the energy of the environment.
Let’s finish by looking at one skill and three attributes that are a critical part of the ‘environment’ of relationship.
Communication
One of the key ways that I attempt to influence the thinking of emerging leaders is by telling them that, “Your job is not to motivate people, but to create an environment in which they can be motivated.” While you can ‘influence’ motivation based on your relationship, it is important to remember that only the other person can bring their motivation.
Our communication skill (verbal and non-verbal, writing) is critical in establishing good, healthy relationships. It is the foundation of our success in creating an “environment where they can be motivated.” One of the goals for that environment is a place where each party can talk openly without fear of being judged or criticize. Does our communication style reflect the relationship you want to have? Does it support the growth of your people? Does it occur when it should and how it should? What’s one thing you would like to change that doesn’t reflect who you want to be as a leader?
Respect
Relationships work best if they reflect a mutual respect. Respect in this context is a reflection of your attitude about others. Do you genuinely value the unique qualities that make the other person who they are? Do you value their opinion? When both people respect each other, it helps maintain equality in the relationship and promotes thoughtfulness and consideration. Listening to understand is an important way that we demonstrate our respect for the other person.
Empathy
The definition I like the best is “understanding and appreciating how others feel.” For some of us it is not complex, just difficult. Knowing when and how to display the correct amount of empathy can make a significant difference in how we are perceived as a leader, and our ability to build/strengthen relationships. If this is something that doesn’t come naturally to you, work on it. It will make a significant difference in how you relate with others and the quality of your relationships in general.
Trust
Respect and trust work hand in hand. With respect often comes trust, the feeling that you can count on the other person and that the person will never deliberately try to harm you. Trust develops through honesty, transparency and consistency. It also develops when we do what we say we’re going to do. Too often I encounter really good people that are full of good intentions, but don’t follow through. This lowers their trustworthiness and makes it harder for them to be a great leader.
We have explored some key ‘touch points’ in an employee’s work life where how and what we communicate can foster our relationships by conveying empathy in the right moment, demonstrating respect, and building trust. I hope this writing has opened your own thinking as to how to best be in ‘relationship’ with your employees and how to best support their personal and professional success.